I just imagined what it would be like if, when I talk to her again in February, I found out that she's in a new relationship with someone else. It just made me physically ill.
We had been speaking again since after Thanksgiving, breaking the self-imposed silence after 4 days. She had been calling me daily to try and connect again as friends, especially during a time when she needed some support with some craziness that she was going through on an away rotation at Mt Sinai. I did my best to be supportive, a familiar role, too familiar.
When I went down to NY this past weekend to interview at Albert Einstein, we hung out on Friday in Central Park in our interview clothes. She showed me the sights and sounds of this patch of green surrounded by urban sprawl...and I realized that I wasn't happy just being friends. The following night, we were at a birthday party at a nightclub together. She was friendly, but nothing more...and as I had more to drink, it made me increasingly upset. When the night ended and she was going home, she came to say good-bye but I rebuffed her. She asked if everything was ok, and I responded that that no, things weren't, but that they weren't her problem anymore; she left without a hug or a wave.
The following day, after I had returned to Boston, she called to ask if I wanted to talk. I told her that being around her again reopened all the holes that I had been trying to plug since we broke up; that I missed her immensely; that I was angry at myself over for letting one person make me feel so bad; and that I was bitter for having given up without waiting a little longer until after our worst rotation and trying to work things out. I told her that I needed her to tell me that there was no chance that we would get back together; tearfully, she said that we would not be together again. I asked her if she was telling the truth; she said yes. I asked her if this meant that there was nothing left in the future for us; she said she didn't know. I thanked her for her honesty and told her I would appreciate her truthfulness in the future, but that I also could no longer speak to her. She wanted me to promise that I would take care of myself; I told her that was a promise I couldn't make because 1) I was in no position to be making promises to her anymore, and 2) taking care of myself was the last thing I wanted to do, way below punching something hard enough to break my hand or drowning myself in my kitchen sink. Good-bye, I said, and hung up.
I haven't had any contact with her since last Sunday, and my life has been creeping back to normalcy. A buddy of mine had tried to warn me against causing myself more hurt, but I needed to experience the burn of a flat-out rejection before I could start to move on. He also said that going through this breakup was like going through the 5 stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm beginning to crawl out of the depression, thinking about the brightness of the rising sun in the horizon up ahead as the darkness of night fades. Everyone has been tremendously supportive and I appreciate all the good-will that people have sent my way. I just need to do what is in my power and take each day one step at a time.
I arrived in Chicago yesterday and met up with a friend downtown. We bummed around in a local food court for an hour before wandering to a tea shop (Argo Tea, fantastic tea franchise btw) for some warm brew. We discussed how we were both so miserable despite being at the supposed best time of our medical school careers. She was struggling with the fact that her expectations had been blown out of proportion by people she trusted and now she faces going somewhere for residency that she 1) doesn't want to go to, or 2) goes to a great program far away from all that she knows on the east coast. We agreed that our relationship struggles wouldn't be as painful if we weren't applying for residency right now: as we wait for supernatural forces to decide where we will end up for the next 3+ years of our lives, we're looking for an anchor, someone or something to hold onto, during this time of uncertainty.
Later that afternoon, I wandered around Michigan Ave as Disney floats took over the street to please the masses of spectators that had come out to cheer the lighting of the trees downtown. I eventually made my way to see another friend who was also in town for interviews. We chatted about my current state of mind, how I felt about my position, whether or not I was looking to get back together just for the sake of being with someone, the works. She said that there was no point for both my ex and I to be miserable now and told me that she could make a phone call or leave a text message on my behalf; I told that I only wanted to get back together if she wanted to on her own accord and for the right reasons, not out of pity for me or to simply postpone these issues and feelings for a few months before we part ways in May.
I know that she will be in NYC next year while I'll likely be in either LA, Chicago, or remain in Boston, with a very slim chance of winding up in NY. She had told me that if I felt like I didn't have enough space during that month of sub-internship prior to when we broke up then there is no way that she would be happy as we slave through intern year hundreds if not thousands of miles apart. Together, it seems like an almost irrefutable argument that there is no hope for the 2 of us. The optimist in me, the one who believes that things only ended because of the terrible shape I was in entering that month, the one who feels empowered by hindsight and believes he can avoid the pitfalls of intern year and find time for himself as well as manage a long distance relationship...he is seriously outgunned. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be optimistic about someone else, but that its incredibly difficult to expect good things to happen to yourself because of your fear of disappointment? Well, despite the odds, for better or worse, my inner optimist is still hanging on...probably because there's nothing else left to be disappointed about. Yesterday was one of those days where I wished he would just let her go...
Last night's 2 hour long phone conversation ended with her saying that she wished that I believed that we would both find people who would be right for us. I followed that by removing all trace of her phone number from my phone, blocking her from my buddy list on AIM, deleting all pictures that I had posted on Facebook, and removing her from my Facebook news feed. It leaves me with the feeling like I'm developing an ulcer, but I feel that the only way to erase this empty void in my soul is to tear everything that is around it down. I thought I would be strong enough to go back to just being friends, but once again I was wrong.
Lady Gaga Feat. Colby O'Donis - Just Dance (Dance Remix)
]
Last Monday, the night before Veterans Day, we went out for our annual school informal at a local dance club. Everything was going along fine, I managed to get relatively inebriated knowing full well that I had to be in the hospital the next morning, enough to the point where my dance moves go from "decent" to "really don't give a crap". As we got to my car, I saw that she was sending a text message. Assuming that she was texting the new guy, M, I let my jealousy get the best of me as I made some off-hand and insensitive comment that I was doing quite fine without her these days now and that she can feel free to "leave me in the dust." This led to a full-scale explosion of a conversation that culminated in my admission that I had made the greatest mistake of my life and then asking for another chance, one where I would actually try to talk and make it work instead of waiting until the frustration mounted to the point of catastrophe. She told me that she couldn't trust me, not after I broke her heart by not talking to her for 2 months as she waited for those first 3 weeks for me to realize and regret my mistake; she had no reason to believe that I wouldn't do the same thing again.
There's a certain degree of finality that comes with hearing "It's over" from the one you care about. No matter what your friends tell you about how you should move on with life, hearing it from that one person can really act like a swift kick in the rear to get on with everything else. And so, for the first time since the first 4 days that I found out she was seeing someone else, I actually genuinely felt happy that she was with someone other than me. I felt like I had gotten over this hump, and that life would return to simpler and hopefully gentler times.
Last night, we went out for a friend's birthday party, first at a house party followed by a nightclub outing. From the moment she approached me as we left the house party for the club last night up until an hour ago, I have been riding a rollercoaster of hope and despair, of unconditional love and unremitting self-loathing, of empowering clarity and paralyzing uncertainty. We parted company in confused, somewhat-hopeful spirits but with questions that could only be answered in time, for she would be leaving for New York and India for the next 3 months and would return in time to discover our fate for the next 3 years on National Residency Match Day. We agreed that if either of us still felt something for the other at that point, then she or I would tell the other so that we could resume the dialogue; we also agreed to do our best to move on with our lives between now and then.
She always talks about how things aren't fair, whether it's my actions or the choices she has to make or life in general. I tell her that nothing about life is fair, and I wonder if what I'm doing here is just another example. Our lives appear destined for different directions: she plans on returning home to New York for residency, while I had aspirations of Southern California; we are from two similar but also very different cultures; neither of us have any idea of what will really be in store for us in the future. And while I try to rebuild this relationship that I believe I had mistakenly abandoned to ruin, I can't completely distinguish whether or not my emotions are purely being driven by love and affection and hope that I feel towards her, or if part of this is my subconscious feeling inadequate over how things ended and is searching for a way to set the record straight. The latter possibility is an affront to fairness and an insult to her. I don't want to wind up like J.D. from Scrubs, after he convinces Elliot to break up with her current boyfriend to be with him and then discovers that he doesn't want her anymore.
Three months is a long time. I hope it's long enough for me to realize what I should do.
I spent the past 2 days with her in Chicago as we had scheduled to take Step 2 Clinical Skills together in May when we were still dating. Things went smoothly for the most part: on our free day, we visited Gino's East for some famous polenta-crust deep dish pizza, Millenium Park, the Chicago Art Institute, and the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the Hancock Observatory. We shared a king bed at a Holiday Inn Express without much ado. The following day, we struggled through and survived the 12 "standardized" patients and shared dinner at O'Hare before arriving back in Boston at midnight.
I told her that I'm getting used to the fact that she's no longer around, that she's no longer mine. I also revealed that the hardest part for me was that she was doing things that we used together, but now with someone else; I have to live with the fact that the next guy she dates could be The One, as all2swift used to say. The beast known as Jealousy is a terrible creature: any time she's text messaging, any time she's not responding to instant messages, any time she's unreachable by phone, I wonder if it's Him. It's getting easier to tell myself that she really has moved on (I didn't really give her much choice, regretfully), but the feelings of inadequacy compared to someone else is a tough one to swallow.
Damn, somebody tell me why the first girl I see when I walk up in the club is her (her) N*gga you told me that you was gon' make sure I wasn't gon' see this girl, oh not tonight I wanted to give it time, I wanted her off my mind Now its too late to leave, damn I wonder who that is she talkin' to He put his drink down, now he's makin' a move I wonder where they're movin' too Just like a fool I'm watchin' her tryin to make my eyes deter But I cant stop watchin', I'm watchin' See I cant stop watchin', I'm watchin'
...
Hey Girl, I didn't see ya standin there, it's been a Long time, it's feelin' really good to see your smile Every once in a while, I'm thinkin' of you and me-ee But life is good, I'm free-ee, yea Wait! Baby I'm frontin', honestly, I made a big mistake I'm struggling with reality, it hurts more everyday I been blaming you for makin' me feel this way And now I'm crushed without your love
It's amazing what one phone call to a friend can do to change your perspective. Honestly, you can never have too many good friends. Now that I can see clearly again, please excuse the absence of wallowing and self-pity from here on out, I've got things to do and lives to save!
I've been logging onto AIM as "invisible" these days to avoid having to chat with her...but I check my buddy list every 10 minutes to see if she's on.
I had a very long and convoluted dream last night where she was there...as my significant other still.
I left my apartment to study for my upcoming test on Friday at a nearby Starbucks so I wouldn't sit in front of my computer where all I do is think about her...and I wound up falling asleep there.
I went to dinner with her, to our old favorite place in Chinatown. I felt like I was only half there: I was sitting there, eating, talking and joking as if it was like old times...but I was also looking at me, looking at how I was looking at her, screaming and howling in rage that this was a lie, a charade of something that was once real and wonderful, a mockery of our past.
I dropped her off at home so that she could catch Gossip Girl, a show that we used to watch together...but not anymore. Cuz it's not like I think about her enough, is it?
I don't deserve to be listened to by anyone at this point, since I'm bringing all of this upon myself...but here I sit, typing anyway.
I think part of my problem is that, now that we're both single and getting back to our old selves again, I'm finding that she's getting back to being the girl who I first fell for. She's more energetic, more outgoing, more vibrant...and more out of reach than ever.
If this doesn't get the slightest bit easy in the next few weeks, I might have to cut her from my life completely...or ask her to take me back. I'm not sure which one is worse...
Jennifer Hudson Feat. Rick Ross - Spotlight (Remix)
]
I spent most of today at the gym with John. He and I have been gym buddies on and off since med school started, a guy who I rely on to provide testosterone-shaded insight on all topics of discussion. Now that 3rd year is behind us and our applications are in, we've hit the gym regularly in order to augment our sexiness and emotionally unload between sets of bench press and bicep curls.
He asked me how things were going between the two of us, and I told him how I had started having doubts, particularly in my previously rock-solid belief that there was no romantic future between me and my ex. He told me what everyone else had been saying: that I hadn't gotten over her during the past couple months but had just temporarily removed a person who I was a huge part of my life from my mind, that now was my time to actually come to grips with happened so I can move on, that I need time to heal and a hobby to keep my over-active imagination from making my life miserable. He admitted that he still thinks about his first girlfriend from time to time, that she will always occupy a particular "What If" section in his mind, and that he still sometimes imagines what would've happened if things had worked out. It was an admission that I hadn't been expecting, since I never really thought much of his sensitive side. And while I felt somewhat reassured that I really had done the right thing and I just needed time to move on, I couldn't help but wish that she and I were right for each other and that she could complete my life instead of remaining as a permanently bittersweet corner of my mind.
The brain has an incredible ability to alter your perception of the world. Specifically, during the drive back home, I found that every single song I listened to brought my thoughts back to her. Turning off the radio and suffering the silence was equally painful; I turned to 50-second furniture commercials for solace. By the time I got home, I was ready to punch holes through my walls in frustration.
Talking to her is both the easiest and the worst thing I can do. I'm no longer afraid of talking to her because I worry about getting back together; on the contrary, that is now something that I almost wish would happen. Now that I've gotten comfortable interacting with her again, I find myself slipping back into the roles I led when we were together, except for the one glaring difference between then and now. She is the most beautiful and wonderful drug, one that I'm trying to find the right amount to limit myself while preserving my sanity.
I'm starting to wonder when my pathetic state will eventually be too much for my ego to take and self-loathing will set in.
Three months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. She had been my best friend in medical school before we started dating. In the beginning, things were great: I was finally in a relationship with a wonderful person who I could see myself being with for the rest of my life. Granted, the initial euphoria was partly associated with the naivete of one's first serious relationship, but I wanted to make it work and so I dove in head-first.
Unfortunately, putting all of my effort into the relationship helped to make it unsustainable. At first, I relished the idea of doting on her whenever possible, I wanted to feel needed. That's not to say that she was high maintenance; on the contrary, in many ways, I lucked out as she only asked that I spend time with her and listen to her when she needed an ear. But as time went on, I realized that I had lost a portion of myself in order to keep the relationship going; to make matters worse, she had become accustomed to my constant presence. Combine those with poor timing (which had plagued us throughout our entire relationship), personality issues, and growing questions as to whether or not we were really meant to be together, and I eventually found myself losing interest. In the end, I did the right thing but in the worst way possible, callously causing her to suffer in a way she did not deserve and leaving me with guilt that I'll never live down.
We've been trying to repair the damages since then so that we can maintain some form of friendship. At first, I feared that any contact with her would cause my resolve to weaken, that I might return to a relationship that I felt was doomed unless we both became radically different people from who we are. Despite the tears that I caused her, she has moved on more swiftly, as I now find that the novelty of bachelorhood has worn off and I miss everything I took for granted with her. She knew me well enough to call me out, to tell me that I have to let go of past events, regardless of whose fault it was, if we were to move on; otherwise, we would never regain any form of friendship that we once had. I'm lucky that she understands the both of us better than I do, and she's one of the best people I know. I don't deserve her as my friend.
I sleep tonight knowing that she is in a better place than I. With the scent of her hair on my pillow, the void that was once filled with her presence is howling louder and more melancholy than ever. My certainty regarding the fate of our then-relationship has waned, and I find myself relying on repetition of what I think I know to keep me from probing deeper to find a possibly more painful truth. Despite the smile on my face and nonchalant attitude, I find myself unsure of my footing. I used to think I was better than others, that I was above making the same mistakes that they made, that I was wiser than the average person and capable of navigating a relationship with less difficulty. I realize now that I'm just another guy, probably more foolish than average, capable of interpersonal catastrophes with greater efficiency than I could have ever imagined.
A part of me wants her back, something that I never would've imagined that I could feel if you had asked me a few months earlier. She says that I'm looking for someone to fill the hole with, and that I don't truly miss her. But is that reason enough for tears? I'm not sure...I'm not sure about anything anymore...I'm lost...
FearlessMonkie (11:00:27 PM): imagine if u dated a chick as hot as jessica sutta GrandMastaFoo (11:02:38 PM): hm GrandMastaFoo (11:02:41 PM): i would GrandMastaFoo (11:02:45 PM): either be really rich GrandMastaFoo (11:02:49 PM): or really good looking GrandMastaFoo (11:02:55 PM): ONE DOWN FearlessMonkie (11:03:45 PM): LAWL FearlessMonkie (11:03:56 PM): wat, the really good looking part? GrandMastaFoo (11:04:13 PM): of course GrandMastaFoo (11:04:19 PM): i can charm anyone GrandMastaFoo (11:04:21 PM): LIKE THAT!
And in honor of Jessica Sutta (hottest of The Pussycat Dolls), and also for Paul van Dyk's upcoming return to the Boston area in 2 weeks, I present...
Paul van Dyk Feat. Jessica Sutta - White Lies
In other news, I've discovered a new website that should keep me entertained for hours upon end, for at least a week. It's called The Impulsive Buy. These two guys basically go and sample foods "recommended" by other people and give poignant and thought-provoking reviews. Here are a few excerpts...
On the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee: "...It’s like these three fast food establishments [McDonald's, Burger King, and Jack in the Box] are playing a game with consumers called Fat Fuck that involves one of them introducing a product and the others coming up with a variation of it, hoping that patrons will try all of them and choose the better one, which in turn causes the consumer to eat fast food more than they should, turning them into a fat fuck. It’s like the opposite of The Biggest Loser."
On Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil: "By itself, the smell and taste of mayonnaise is kind of disgusting, but when placed in between two slices of bread with cold cuts, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes or mixed with potatoes, spices, hard-boiled eggs, and mustard, it tastes pretty good. This Jekyll and Hyde condiment also has a reputation for being a bitch when it comes to healthiness, turning normal healthy sandwiches into tasty pockets for saturated fat. It’s hard to believe something so innocently, virgin off-white, could be a sinfully, slutty evil."
Hopefully some of you will find it as entertaining as I have. So much for working on that personal statement for residency!
Now that I'm done with arguably the most important rotation of my life, I've devoted my "research block" to researching the art of cooking. Day 1 saw my first attempt at making pork, shrimp and leek steamed buns. Day 2, I tried my hand at beef stew from scratch, with a lil help from Tyler Florence (with my own beef stock, no bouillon-from-a-box for this food fanatic). Today, I revamped my bun recipe a bit by adding more soy sauce, salt and sugar into the filling, which made it much tastier, but somehow completely botched the dough for the bun and had to scramble to save the gooey doughy mess (more flour and baking powder, damnit!). I was planning on making chicken penang curry tonight for dinner, but then I realized I had forgotten to buy coconut milk. Another day, then... So instead, I'll wrap my remaining 2 lbs of filling into the form of dumplings. = P
Finished product
I've got another 15 of these bad boys chillin' in the freezer By having to add more flour and baking powder (which contains sodium phosphate) to salvage my dough, I lost out on the original sweeter taste I wanted for the bun. Oh well, always next time...(such as tomorrow!)
Next up on the food conquest list: Taiwanese style beef noodle soup (maybe even with hand-made noodles) Scallion pancakes Super-stuffed makimono
It's amazing what you can do when you don't want to do work...
Have you ever been so lonely, so hungry for human interaction that simply exchanging a few words with just about anyone would make your day a little brighter? That was me with the lady at the RMV this morning.
I guess this is what it feels like to go through a relationship from start to finish.
Anyone know of a good free registry scan program or website? I think I might have a registry bug or trojan that isn't being picked up by McAfee. Thanks...
So as usual, I find myself stuck at home during spring break. I think I've got an ongoing streak for at least 3 years where my spring breaks have involved more work than break, and this year is no exception.
-Currently "finishing" the summer research project with the Framingham Heart Study that just won't end. If all goes accordingly, I'll have a first authored paper in Stroke or some other neuro journal by some time in 4th year. If it doesn't, then I could very well curse all the time I spent working instead of developing skin cancer somewhere exotic. The $12/day transportation costs are beginning to become intolerable, and it's only the 1st day.
-Went to check out some jeans to see if I dropped a pant size. Good news: I dropped a pant size. Bad news: the jeans cost $50 and, more importantly, were button-fly. I HATE button-fly. It makes the act of peeing unnaturally complicated. I wish Gap would bring back their old school worker jeans...
-Who would've guessed that losing weight would be this easy? Granted, I say it's easy only because 1) I have $100 on the line, 2) I've become a gym nut and, maybe more importantly, 3) I've become addicted to running. I'm currently up to 3.5 miles every 2 out of 3 days, the goal is to get up to 5 miles and then go run a half-marathon. If you would've asked anyone who knew me in high school that I'd try to run a half-marathon, they would've told you that they would pay to see it. Hmmm, that's actually not a bad idea...
-Why won't it stop snowing? Really, I understand that it's New England, which means snow is fair game up till the end of April, but that doesn't mean that it has to snow until then.
-Started studying for the boards. I know what sensitivity, specificity, positive predictive value, and negative predictive value are. Hooray.
-Waiting. It sucks. A lot. It's gotten so bad that my dreams have started tackling really odd subjects, like potato chips and peeing (not in the same dream). I can only hope that I get a decent night's sleep tonight, tomorrow's venture into Framingham demands it.
It was all a misunderstanding, apparently. She didn't think of it as anything more than an opportunity to dine, nor was she looking for anything more.
Everyone was surprised by how well I took it, myself included. I guess it helped that some friends had been so excited by the prospects that, in order to stay level-headed, I actually had to expect the worst to compensate. Still, that didn't keep a few friends from dragging me out for some early evening boozing to make me forget about the events of the day. Ten drinks in a little under 3 hours on an empty stomach lends itself to questionable actions, like playing wingman to a sexual predator in a jungle full of unattractive women.
In a shocking and somewhat ironic turn of events, I think I've become the object of someone else's affection.
Who's ordering Red Sox home games against the Yankees at noon this Friday instead of studying for his derm/pulmonary test that's at 1:30 on the same day? THIS GUY.
In other news, the sidewalks of Boston have been transformed into half-frozen ankle-deep rivers. The only things that could possibly appreciate this weather are, well, Wampa ice beasts.
So I've somehow turned into a running machine lately, but now I'm worrying about anterior tibial compartment syndrome since the lower part of my shins always ache. A friend of mine had surgery to relieve his chronic case of ATCS, but I'm wondering how long it would take to heal, since I'm pretty short on that commodity nowadays. That, and I'm sure my PCP wouldn't really want me to go under the knife if I didn't have to (not that I want to either, of course). Let's see how long I can keep this running thing going...
Anime fans who read this: go check out D Gray Man! Youtube or Scarywater.Net! GOGOGO!
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gycko's journal
pensive
lethargic
relieved
melancholy
amused
accomplished
